*A bit of something I wrote a few years ago in the dark ages...*

'Do you know what they do to you in foster homes?'

My mother would ask me this those times I had pushed her to

her limit.

When my antics were too much.

When I

couldn't seem to

straighten up and fly right.

I would stare back through brown-black gaze

Defiant

Because I knew

she

loved

me

too

much.

But you...

In my heart,

In my heart I wanted to SCREAM

'DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO TO ME IN THIS HOUSE?!?'

Not out of anger or blame

but desperation.

Because I knew she would make it right.

I know she would have whooped yo' ass and

damn near strangled the life out of you

Not out of anger or blame, but because...

just because.

I'm her baby girl.

I never told,

So at least on this side,

your secret was safe.

But you...

You who had a hand in my spirit's demise

My subjugation,

an

emotional, mental, physical repeated rape

of innocence.

"Like robbin' a liquor store."

Or how you kept the fact that

you'd already negated whispered promises

secret for so long.

You sly dog.

'Trust me', 'Don't tell', 'I'm (not) your father', 'I'd kill for my baby sister'

Funny.

By kill you must have been referring to

my hope,

Because you have yet to keep

the one promise I hold you to.

The clock is ticking...

tick... tick... tick...

And as every year comes and goes,

so my disappointment grows.

Make it a deed of spite

if that makes it easy.

But you...

You showed up that night

Snake smile slick

eyes pissing crocodile tears

Breath reeking of your new woman.

Did you think after so much time I'd

forget?

Like mother, like daughter?

No, that's your other women dearheart.

I told my story once,

and was asked,

"How come you grew up so... normal?"

Hmm... define normal.

Bottom line?

I spent a lifetime seeking supplication

from a withered stream

A surname with a long line of...

fidelity issues.

'Oooh, girl! Dis is A, and B, and C...'

Four fathers

Two husbands?

Ready to break your body over his,

But not your soul?

Wait. I get it now

It ain't trickin' if you can get it

Don't really matter how.

But how could we be so close when we're so...

different

Night and day, day and night

'I love you, I'm here for you, Mom told me to look out for you'

Shame about that last one.

So many bright sunny days

eluded the porchswing of my soul to

I hope

give someone worse off than me

a moment of joy.

(Mama said no suffering is in vain.)

But I needed you

Needed you to

Fight for me
Kill for me

Have my back

like I had yours

when and after my world collapsed.

My bad. Guess I asked too much.

Integrity and loyalty are

out this year, and

I know how you're always

'On to the next one,

On to the next one...'

Please believe me,

I would be too

if your

iron spiked fists

of words and actions

lies and neglect

silence and sustained solitude
hadn't left shards

of your

broken glass soul
in my heart.

But you...

I still love you

Even though you've none for me.

So I'll just shuffle along.

Off to my little corner,

just someone you used too...

Another bastard stepchild orphan.